There’s something there…

Filling the holes because I have more to fill than others.  Little guidance from father, mother, siblings, and cousins, uncles, aunts.  None of that. So, asking for deep connections to help fill the holes.  Scott hated me for this because he would have had to dig deep to ask his family to step up and make those connections with me.  They are, at this time, incapable of helping anyone fill those holes.  I kept pushing to have someone else fill mine, and when they couldn’t, I hated them for it.  I didn’t know how to take care of my own.  I do now.  It’s not easy. Life can be shallow, and for those, it’s easier.  For those of us looking for more meaning and deeper connection, it takes strength and courage.  I understand that so much better now. I want that.  I’m trying to have this with Carter, but it may take a while, or better yet, it looks different right now.

So, Scott and I didn’t work out because we were on opposite pages as to how to connect, and how to help each other connect.  I wanted more; he wanted less, because less is so much more comfortable.

Try to focus on the positive.  Yesterday was a teary day.  Tired. Feeling less than.  Wondering why. No need to wonder why.  I know.

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Monday

I want a relationship yet I don’t want to be all in.  Can’t hold those two things and expect good to come of this.  How do I retrain myself?  Jump in?  Believe?  Acknowledge that I know this.  Love equals death and loss.  That makes sense for me.  How do I get beyond this and believe that anything is possible, including real, ordinary, love?

Dear Subconscious,

So, what are you holding in there about what you learned from my parents about love, relationships, and marriage?  Love is mild, hard, bland, and difficult.  It is good enough when someone saves you, you should be grateful.  Mild feelings for that person and the life together is quite bland.  Do the things you are supposed to, kind of like each other, and grit your teeth and bare it.  Raise children because that’s what you do, and be grateful that you don’t have to live alone or pay for things on your own.

Relationships are quiet and yet volatile.  Someone has power and the other must make that person happy. It’s difficult to stand up for yourself because you’re scared of what the other might do.  I’m not scared of Scott hitting me, but I’m certainly scared of him being an asshole and jerk and putting me down.  I’m scared of ME getting out of hand and physically abusing Scott because anger is also present in marriage.  Real, horrible anger.  Anger that either erupts or manifests its way into depression, weight gain, and a lost send of hope.  My mother must have been the same. I learned that men make the rules and make the money, and women are along for the ride. Lance has done the same thing.  Ronya?  Not so much, but she had a very different influence.  Barb is scared of a relationship.  I know it.

I didn’t even want to give birth to a child because if I adopted, I would have more control over loving too much, feeling too much.  It’s the same with relationships.  I don’t want to give too much because I’ll get hurt or if I love, that person will die and I will be left in misery trying to figure it out.  Just like now.  I don’t know how to feel about my father because he was somewhat good to me, and yet, he wasn’t to my mom.  How do I reconcile my feelings about that?  Same with Scott–good sometimes, but not where it counted, so what did it hurt so much when he left?  What was I trying to work out with Scott?  I was vibrating at a low frequency and yet wanted Scott to help me vibrate at a higher level, and I wouldn’t have to do it on my own.  A re-do with my dad?  If my mother could get it together, then I could be more?  I can be more without any of these people helping me.  I get it–I have to do it myself, but I had no idea how.  I think about all the therapy I was in.  How did no one get to the confidence that I needed?  The frequencies?

Enough for now.  This doesn’t feel terrific.

Monday

Lazy day yesterday and loads of time to think.  What is it about losing weight and becoming strong that intimidates me?  It’s just like more money–I’ll lose the gift I’m given, I’ll use it wrong (I’ll have sex with anyone who wants to have sex with me!) I’ll be horrible and I’ll get conceited.  Wow!  All of those things that I felt with my mother and Scott and Scott’s family–to be less than I am.  If I am richer and thinner and stronger, I’ll make others feel badly–the way I have felt when I compare myself to others.  I can’t let that stop me.  I have to work on not comparing myself, and if others do, then that is not my problem.  I want to be the best person I can, and if that means weighing less, being physically strong, and making more money, then so be it.  I’m going after what I want, and not feeling bad about who I am and what I want.  I remember feeling that way so often with my mom.  I needed to be broken so she wouldn’t feel so bad about herself.  No more.

Dear everyday connection,

Dear Asshole:  Stop taking your insecurities out on me.  PS:  Fuck you.  I’m stronger than you are and always will be.  ‘Nuf said.

So, moving on! Thank you to the Universe today that I’m here right now and I am becoming stronger.  I realize how important deep connections are, and I’m trying to understand how I’ve run away from those, no matter how much I thought I wasn’t. Being with Carter has helped me understand this.  I’m sad that once again, I’ve put myself in a situation that I am with someone “part time.” But, I will continue to talk to Carter every day or connect with him every day.  I want to do that with Twila, too.  Not be afraid of the problems that arise when one has a deep connection–an everyday connection.  I’ve been planning for most of my life to get in, get out, get away…it’s time to grow up.  I understand that aspect of me now because daily life in the Fullerton world and in the Beth world wasn’t so great.  I’m ready for you Everyday Connection!

How can I get an Everyday Connection:

Talk/ connect with Carter every day.

Keep my house–whether I’m in it or not.  Keep it.

Stay around here–stop thinking about moving to another place so that I can get what I want.  I can get what I want RIGHT here.  I miss my home and its beauty, but I’ll

UUGGG!

So, here it is.  Three/four days in and got up late, don’t want to write, have a headache, and this is when it gets hard, right?  So, just write.  Write about how it’s hard to believe that what I want is around the corner.  Throw me a bone!  Where is he? HE IS…how can I believe, trust?  I get so tired of waiting, and feeling like I have to be perfect before he can show up.  I have to be emotionally perfect.  This is the feeling I hate.  It’s familiar. The dread and the anxiety in my stomach and body. Push through. How?  I’m hot. I’m tired of being hot.  And, I have a wicked headache, probably from not drinking.  Detox.  Detox my mind, too.  Sherrie said that it will get easier as I “rewire” my brain to think on a more positive note and that it will take me less time to think things through and come to a better conclusion.  Maybe I’m being whiny today because I don’t feel great.  This IS when I start to compare myself and feel so frustrated.  FRUSTRATED.  Why the fuck do I have to wait?  And, why do people tell me to be happy where I am.  No shit.  Just like when I had miscarriages.  Be happy with what you have–one perfect child.  Okay, but why do you get what you want?  More children?  A happy relationship/partnership?  What is up with that?  Wendy doesn’t have a great marriage, so I’m sure that she would love to be in my shoes, doing whatever I want and so her advice for me is to be happy where I am because that’s what SHE wants.  I definitely would rather be alone than deal with that husband, and I realize that and believe that whole heartedly.  I get that.  But, why can’t more people say, It’s on it’s way?  Or, goddamit.  I guess, once again, I have to believe it’s on its way, and not worry about what people say or think.  Judas Priest, this is hard.  Believe in myself.  Believe in myself.  What I want is on its way.  Why do I want it?  Because I’m supposed to?  Because it will prove something?  Maybe a little.  What if I couldn’t tell anyone about it.  Would I still want it?  Yes, yes, I would.  It is for me.  I need to stop feeling bad for wanting a relationship.  I get not being obsessed, but from what I keep reading, it’s all about believing that the Universe has an abundance, and I can have that abundance.

Money

My attitude toward money has been one of want and fear.  I want more money to live an easier life and provide for myself and others, but I am afraid that I will have work constantly, be constantly stressed out, and that it won’t be worth it. Scott made me feel and I made myself feel that I was irresponsible when it came to money, so why would I want more money so that I can mess up and use it unwisely?  But, I do spend money wisely–a house, Carter’s school, trips; and I do make not so wise purchases.  Really?  What?  Trips? Knowing that I can pay it all back?  Redoing the attic?  I’ve always paid off bills, and maybe that takes a little while, but I’ve always done it.  I put money toward savings and retirement.  Where’s the irresponsibility?  Sometimes I don’t have a lot to get through, but I DO figure it out.  Of course I do!  Walk away wiser when you crash one–I don’t like how I thought about money in college or the $15000 that my dad left me, but I have walked away wiser since I crashed that one.

Dear Betty,

I have to remind myself that you send me texts because that’s the most you can do.  I’m disappointed, but I’ve been disappointed before so often by you.  I own that I wanted a replacement family, and to my family for that attitude, I apologize.  But, I picked Scott and your family for that reason, and then the reason turned out to be a disaster. I do not want your texts or your prayers.  I pray for YOU–for you to be more emotional and be a stronger woman who can talk to her son after he gets the shit beat out of him and comes home after quitting his job.  You have taught your family to be emotionally constipated.  I cannot fathom ever letting Carter come home after getting beat up and leaving him alone.  That’s a great excuse on your part to not have to get emotionally involved or stand up for yourself or your son, or even help Scott stand up for himself.  I knew this about you–when you couldn’t get your ass up off the couch when I left my life in Missouri to start a new one here.  When you couldn’t help me after Carter was born and my mother died.  When it took everything you had to say “I’m sorry” after my second miscarriage.  You do not have it in you.  I need to forgive that in you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed or expect more from you–from everyone.  No wonder you didn’t like me and your son started to hate me.  I yelled that all of you should be more, and Scott cannot deal with wanting you to be more–to be the mother that asks him if he is all right and say that she  will go kick ass for him.

All you can do is send pretty cards and nice texts.  That’s not enough for me, and I will not accept that it is enough any more.  I don’t have to.  YES!!! I do not have to.  I will respond and be nice, but the bottom line is I don’t miss you and your family and your unwillingness to open up and ask me questions and get to know me, or show concern for me when it’s been rough. You couldn’t even make a fucking dinner for me after my mom died or offer to take Carter to let me sleep.  You have very little nurturing and I’m working to accept that.

Please don’t text me anymore.  Like I said, I do not want people in my life who do not support me and who do not discuss the finer points of life.  Plus, I’m done feeling bad about wanting deeper connections.  I’m done.

Please don’t respond to this.  That’s not what this is about.  Scott used to say often that people don’t change.  They do, but they have to want to.  You don’t want to, at least when it comes to me.  Run over to Cait now and hug her all you want and show her how much you think she’s great.  I want nothing from you. And, that’s not change.  That’s surface stuff.  I wonder if you even ask her a fucking question, or you love her because she just talks and you don’t have to dig deep to get to know her.  She does it for you, and that’s what you need and want.  I need more. If she demands very little from you, she’s perfect for you and your family!  All of you thrive on this, and need this to move through this world.  I want more and I deserve more.

Again, I hope to forgive you to move on, but for now, I’m still angry at being ignored, cast aside, and left on my own.  May the same happen to you some day.

 

 

 

Oh, Smitty…

Hi Friend,

Oh, I was wondering how gorgeous and amazing your trip had to have been! Good for you! You SO deserved that… 🙂

I’m just ok. I’m going to tell you my story and this takes a lot of courage for me b/c I am so afraid of being judged.

Friday, the 26th at our house, I made a very poor choice, horrible choice and made out with a mutual friend. Karie came in on us. She too, is in a relationship and they were part of a group of 6 of us who were good friends along with Julie & Becky. So, I, again, found myself in my dark place, fully in my pattern of ‘seeking’ and abandoned my relationship/cheated on my gf, all for the sad attempt to ‘feel.’ It’s been a very rough two weeks. In spite of it all, I couldn’t be more glad that it happened. I’m done with whoever this person is that I have created. She doesn’t work for me anymore and I’m tired of looking everywhere else for validation, approval, comfort,  ME. All the while, I live with such profound sadness. I take & took full responsibility. I made apologies & asked forgiveness. I was with my therapist that next Tuesday. I have a lot of digging to do, Beth. I am missing so much and I’m almost paralyzed with fear for what’s to come. I don’t want to be defined by this anymore. It’s not who I really am. Thankfully, Dr. Linng left me with hope on Tuesday and that she isn’t going to let me believe that I’m a piece of sh*t. I have to adopt a new belief system and that is my choices are/have been bad, poor, deplorable, whatever, but that is NOT who I AM. I’ve just spent my whole life covering up ‘me’ and I’ve lost touch completely. My deep hurt (despair she called it) & sadness comes from hurting that ‘me’ that I abandoned so long ago. ‘She’ knows it’s not congruent with who I really am and want to be. I left feeling like I might be ok one day.

I can’t tell you how loving and amazing Karie has been.  She is incredible. The anger set in last week and that’s ok. She needs to feel it all and I know how much it hurts. I know she’ll never forget what she saw, but I do hope she can forgive me. She saw a therapist yesterday and will be going back next Monday. I really do hope she too, can work through some things for herself and not make this all about what she needs to do to make me ok or keep me. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this. Turns out I’ve never been in or started a relationship where I’ve had a true sense of self or been living authentically. That really hurts to think about. I’m learning a lot about the co-dependent personality and appreciate the walk is going to be long.

Thank you for hearing. I know it has to be disappointing. Love you~